BEAUTY IN THE MIDST OF CHAOS

Today is nothing more than ordinary, Too many mornings with so much lonesome. yeah, I agreed with that cause that's for me to deal with. And when he does not want to believe everything's that's been said, then I've nothng to do for it. It's his will and That, I wont intrude. Well, if it's wrong for me to expect even just for a small trust from him then, i blew it off. and I'm done expecting things. I don't want to give up but HOW? he can't accept me at my chaos and that, I can't even barely accept too with myself, cause he can't accept me at my worse.
I thought it was so darn easy to stick with " ACCEPT HER AT HER WORST, AND SHE'LL SURELY GIVE YOU HER DARN BEST" cause that's what I'm sticking to. But no, I'm wrong. or Am I wrong?

I think this is what they call "BEAUTY IN THE MIDST OF CHAOS" just like what Jason Mraz said in his song " a beautiful mess" but that's too far for me to happen. He's actually not here in my chaos, and that I should accept.
Maybe that's life for me. I don't know the cure to restore again. I don't know if I can stand up.. sinadya niya akong akusahan na hindi na ko virgin para lang mapaamin nya ako.. DAMN! I can say, that really hurts me. Ang manadya para lang paaminin ako sa bagay na hindi naman totoo, diba parang ang sakit naman ata nun? ilang araw, ilang linggon kong dinala yun.. tapos malalaman kong sinadya niyang akusahan ako ng ganun para mapaamin akong hindi na talaga ako virgin before him? Well thanks! cause that proves me one thing, na kayang kaya mo talagang saktan ako kung gugustuhin mo.

Hindi ko naman minamasama na iquestion mo ang virginity ko dahil alam ko namang lahat ng tao, madmaing sinasabe. Pero sobra na eh, ang gawin yun sakin? di ko akalain na sya pa makakagawa nun sakin eh. Ok lang naman eh, pero masakit. Siya kase ung inaasahan ko na kapag nasa gitna ako ng DARKNESS na dadating sa buhay ko, siya ung una kong matatakbuhan pero I guess I'm wrong for that, cause he's behind them and he's one of those people who allegates and question my whole DIGNITY as a person. siguro wag na lang siya magalala, dahil from now on hindi na ako aasa. Mahal ko siya, pero siguro panahon na rin para siya naman ung magpakita ng pagmamahal.

Maybe I was just a bad person, for him to ashamed me like this. Alam ko namang may kasalanan ako eh, dahil hindi ko sinabe na hindi sya ung first na naka half sakin. Pero bakit ganun lang? Hindi naman ako nanunumbat eh.. pero tinanggap ko naman siya in his worst, pero bakit hinid ko siya maramdaman in his best? Ganun ba kalaki yung kasalanan ko??

The first time I saw his glance I know,I'll love him. That's why I was too "kampante" to trust myself to him. i just thought it'll be that way. The first time I was with him, I thought it'll be just fine. ganito siguro ko talaga katanga para isipin yun.. hindi naman ako ganito dateh eh.. hindi naman ako ganito kahit sa mga past ko ehh.. bakit????