Ordinary post

I often start m morning with a bright smile lit on my face but, that's not the case now. That's gone and I always lit up a sad thoughts on my face in the morning. I don't know how, but the routine is makinf me BITTER. Not the Karent hat people used to know. If you can see, My warm touvh has gone. Even to my friends. Maybe, people do change when they start to give up things around her. It's not easy to deal with confusions. [ kahit ako hindi ko na kilala sarili ko, sa dami ng pinagbago ko] I'm no longer the JOllYISH girl that you'll see when you see me.

Just like songs, I'm starting to fade. Kanina nga pag kagising ko wla akong ginawa, umupo lnag tapos nagisip sandali. Tapos, at the end of the day ganun pa din. 2:30 na ata ako nagising ng hapon. 3 na din kase ako ng umaga natulog. Tapos, nagtoothbursh ako tapos pumunta ko sa jolibee para bumili ng pagkain ko. Wala kasing niluto na food si kuya pag alis nila Wala kase akong kasama kanina.. buti na alng inaantok ako tapos tinatamad kumilos kung hindi baka umalis din ako ng bahay. Baka kung san san na naman ako pumunta..



siguro dito na lang muna.. ang sama kase ng pakiramdam ko.


ANYWAYS THIS IS THE QUOTE THAT JOHN JOHN HAS SENT ME:

:

1. Dont hug her friends or your friends that are girls cause she'll feel left out

2. Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if its just for a second.

3. Hug her from behind

4. Leave her voice messages to wake up.

5. Wrestle with her

6. Don't go hang out with your ex when shes not with you, you might not realize how badly it hurts her.

7. If you're talking to another girl, when you're done talking, walk over and

hug her and kiss her.... let her know she's yours and they aren't.

8. Write her notes or call her just to say "hi"..and not just at night after you've already been out with other girls.

9. Introduce her to your friends . . . as your girlfriend.

10. Play with her hair.

11. Pick her up

12. Get upset if another guy touches her and she doesn't like it.

13. Make her laugh, if you can make her laugh, you can make her do

anything.

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms.

15. If she's mad at you, kiss her.

16. If you care about her, then tell her

17. Every guy should give their girl 3 things: a stuffed animal(she'll hug it every time she goes to sleep), jewelry (she'll treasure it forever), and one of his t-shirts (she'll most likely wear it to bed).

18. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you're alone.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile.

20. Hang out with her on weekends

21. Kiss her in the rain

22. Kiss her just for the heck of it

23. If your listening to music, let her listen too.

24. Remember her birthday and get her something, even if

its simple and inexpensive, it came from YOU. it means all the world to HER. it's the thought that counts.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it, even if you don't (it'll make her happy.)

26. Always call her when you say you will, it may not seem like it, but it does hurt her and makes her think you don't care so call even if you can only talk for a minute. Girls don't necessarily have to have hour-long conversations every night but its nice for us to hear your voice even for a quick hello.

27. Give her what she wants

28. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.

29. Tell her shes beautiful, she needs to know her striving is working.

30. Hang out with her whenever you are free and u should be free to hang

with your girlfriend all the time

31. If u care about her...SHOW her!

[ thanks john john ]

C R A Z Y F O R Y O U

I just got home and I've done so many things this day.

Pagka gising ko I've notice na sobrang puno na ung laundry bin ko ng clothes ko. [ take note clothes ko lang yun, walang halong clothes nila kuya ] kase naman hindi dumadating ung labandera namen kaya I decided na tutal wala naman akong ginagawa ako nlang maglalaba.Wala namang masama dba? Kaso, sa kasamaang palad. Hindi talaga ko marunong eh, ung mga white clothes ko tuloy nangitim pati ung light colored clothes ko[ Haha! ] including my new clothes that I got at Just G[one of my favorite clothing line] ang mahal pa naman nun. Pero ayun, achievement ko na din ung nakapaglaba ko ng SARILI kong damit :))

I was finished laundrying my clothes @ 3pm. Tapos napansin ko ang messy na naman ng room ko. UGH! I just got my room cleaned yesterday and now it's all in a mess again. Iba talaga pagka depress ka.

After I laundried my clothes I went straight at the shower to sprite up. I need to get ready kase magkikita kame ni yanna. She had a gig pero nagkita kami ng 3pm para makapag practice sila and sumama na lang din muna ako kase ang boring talaga dito sa bahay. Ayun, andun si ainon. Ambait nung taong yun, madaling pakisamahan tsaka he's humorous ang galing pa mag gitara tsaka kumanta. I've heard he's a full time scholar at sun hwa academy. [gling ;) ]

After ng practice nila, we waited for fred to come home kase he's their beatboxer :)) [whatever you call that ]
kwentuhan muna, and then hinintay ko naman si yanna and ainon. ang tagal kasing magbihis ni yanna, tapos si ainon nagcoconcert pa habang naliligo. UGH :] pero it's fine cause all the waiting are worth it. After that, hinatid na kami nung daddy ni fred sa sagi's resto bar[venue] and tadaa! Guess what's the first song? :] SO SLOW by freestyle cover by Yanna and ainon :] my god HAHA

Akala ko makakapunta sya, sayang lan kasi it would be more fun kung nakasma sya. Well, wala eh. Busy sya kase may reunion sila ng relatives ata nya bukas. OK lang, sanay na ko.

And Whoa! I almost fergot to mention. Ang weird ni Mark Gementera. as in Bang! weird. Before kase ako umalis ng bahay kaninang hapon naka chat ko pa siya. Ang ayos ng usapan namin tapos sabe nya sasama sya samen sa sagi's. Tapos ayun, nakita ko sila nila Macroy, Chuck dude[mastermind :D ], Awe, and Wally sa may rusty lopez. Ayun, sabe niya text text na lang daw.Tapos nung na sa ever green na kami nila yanna nagtext sya. sabe nya " Baby, punta ka dito sa house. Kylangan kita.. " [Baby kase tawagan namen Haha. Wala, matinding asaran lang kaya Baby :D ] kaso hindi naman ako pwede kase tutulungan ko sila yanna mag set up ng mga line up ng songs nila. Nag search pa kame ng mga tabs tsaka lyrics, tsaka ayoko rin syang puntahan kase feeling ko parang may something. Basta, yun ang panget lang. Tapos sabe nya saken " baby inum tayo mamaya eh. wala na kase kami ni April eh.. " so ako, parang WHOA!! Mark, anu yan? parang lalong pumanget ung feeling ko. Tapos ang mas malala pa dyan nung sinabe nyang " Baby, gusto ko mamaya sweet taiu ah. basta gusto ko ganun tayo.. " so, sobrang nagulat lang ako sakanya. Ang panget lang, kaya hindi na lang ako nagreply. Tapos yun, buti na lang hindi siya naka punta. Ewan ko kung baket. Ayun, wala lang, kanina nung nagtext sya nung mga ganun sa ken feeling ko lang na-TEST yung loyalty ko kay jhay. Buti na lang kahit depress ako sa mga nangyayare samen hindi ako NADALA or NATEMPT kay Mark Gementera. Napatunayan ko rin sa sarili ko na FAITHFUL talaga ko kahit ganito yung pinapakita sakin ngayon ni jhay. Na, Hindi ako Madaling ma-tempt.

Going back to the topic, Okay naman ung gig. Masaya naman, nakilala ko yung ate ni Fred tapos ung mga guy friends ni Ate lady. Especially the makulit one si jay-r. Haha, he's may kaasaran ng :" talk to my french tip nails " :)) sobrang biruan kame kanina buti na lang hindi ako pikon. Tapos yun, andun din sila justine tapos family and close relatives nya, si patrick, gelo[friend ni yanna], si paula, si erick tapos dumating din si qio. Ang cute tignan nila qio and yanna, la lang ang sweet nila. i can say I'm envy. Iba kase eh.. ayun, Haha, si justine naman pinakilala ako dun sa pinsan niya si John-John parang adik talaga yun si justine. Haha :))

Tapos may isa pang group aside from yanna's group na tumugtog. Magaling din, kaso wala daw FASHION SENSE :))[ ang maldita namen :)) ] nung tumutugtog sila nung MIGRAINE naiingit ako, haha :)) kaya tinawag ko si yanna sabe ko sakanya tutugtog din ako :)) kaya yun! Haha parang naging Gig ko na din yun kase tumugtog ako ng CRAZY FOR YOU haha. dapat si Ainon ung kasma kong tumugtog eh kaso nung pinapunta ako ni jutsine dun sa tabe ni John-John sabe ko sakanya kaming dalawa na lang tapos si yanna yung kakanta :)) so yun, kahiya lang. Haha si Jay-r kase papansin sumisigaw ba naman ng "Go patrick!" tapos ung daddy naman ni Justine sumisigaw ng " Go John-John!" nu ba naman yan. Haha hanggaung dun mei niLILINK pa din saken. Overwhelming din kase after ko tumugtog sabe sakin ang galing ko daw :)) flattered ako :))Sayang wla sya dun, hindi nya nakita yun.

Hmm. ayun, ang adik ko. Kase nilakad ko mula dun sa sagi's hanggang 7-11 nahihilo kase ako. Kahit isang baso lang ung nainum ko na red horse. napilitan kase ako nakakahiya naman dun kila kuya jay-r tsaka ate Lady kung tatanggi ako kaya pinagbigyan ko na ng isang baso. Pero that's all hindi ko lang talaga trip ang lasa ng alak.[Walang halong kaplastikan] Ayun, mejo nkakapagod. Kaya pagdating ko sa bahay namen, ang ginawa ko Haha. nagtry akong maglagay ng eye liner :)) ang tapang ng itsura ko Haha. para akong EMO :)) YUCK!





yan yung video nung So SLOW yung kinakanta :)[ upload ko next time :)) Ang tagal kase eh. Antok na ko :* UmUWAAAAAAA. love lots-- kareeeeeen :D

tagalog post

Nakakapagod tong araw na to, kahit hapon pa lang. 10:30 na ako nagisingwhich is super late na sa tamang oras. May lakad kase kame dapat ni jhay ngaun. Kaso, lakad ko lang pala yun. Medyo nakakadissapoint lang, hindi niya kayang gumising sa tamang oras para makasma sakin. Ang babaw ko right? Well eto ako eh.. pero recently natututunan ko ng maging cold at maging patient. Hindi na ko gaya nung dateh na hindi ok kapag ganito, tsaka hindi na ko siguro nageexpect. Expecting is one way of hurting our self diba? Ayun, nakakalungkot lang kasi. Dapat happy thoughts yung mailalagay ko dito kase ok na kame ulit ewan ko. Siguro ang tao napapagod din na siya na lang ng sya ung nagmamahal, yung nagbibigay ng importance, naglalagay ng effort. Pero, wala eh. Ganun pa din yung situation. Parang ako pa rin ng ako.Hindi ko man lang maramdaman na importante ako. Na worth fighting for. Binibigay ko naman ang lahat, sinusubukan ko naman. Pero wala, ganun pa din.

Habang na sa mrt ako kanina ito lang yung nasa isip ko, na akala ko masya naman ung masusulat ako dito sa blog ko. Puro na lang kase sad thoughts. Kaya umuwi na lang din ako. Sobrang lungkot kase magisa. Tapos dumaan ako sandali sa hospital, binisita ko si lolo. Nagpa-confine kase sya. Malapot daw ung dugo nya. Nag last will na nga sya kahit sobrang lakas pa naman nya. Nakakalungkot. Ayun, balak ko na din sanang ipakilala sya sa rst of my relatives na nandun s hospital kaso wala eh. Siguro matagal pa bago mangyare yun.

Hindi ko na alam gagawin ko, hindi ko kase alam kung napapsaya ka sya. Ang bigat sa damdamin. Bago ako matulog isa lang pinagppray ko, isang APPRECIATION man lang. Siguro hindi ko lang talaga fate na mabigyan ng ganun kase I was made ro appreciate not to BE APPRECIATED.

Mamaya may lakad ako ulit. As usuall ako lang ulit magisa. Hindi ko sure kung may kasama ako pagpunta dun sa acoustic nights na OJE ni yanna sa sagi's resto bar. Mas masaya sana kung siya ung kasama ko. Pero wala talaga. Wala siyang time. That, I should accept.

too much to ask

So I went at gateway, Sm shoemart and ali mall just to look for this meyer's book. I was so desperate to buy it but all book stores are out of stocks. Depressed na depressed na kase ako sa mga nangyayare kaya eto, gusto ko nlng idaan sa pagbasa ng libro hoping na after matapos ang isang libro may totoong edward cullen na lalabas sa mundo ko. Haha.. katawa lang. I just wonder where did Meyer got all her ideas of a real guy which's made to be just for fiction things.

There, I was about to buy a stuff toy at blue magic but I changed mind. I want something for my room/bed sana para may ma-cuddle ako pag matutulog na ko since I don't have a room mate. But, naaaah I did'nt buy stuff toy.
The whole day was a crap. Why? first; I did'nt have the book that I was looking for and second; I don't have a load. eh di sana si jhay ung kasama ko. Haha Well too late, it's done. i'll find for that book again tomorrow. But, I'll find for it alone cause I wont ask trebs to come with me.Come what may, whoever wants to come with me then it's an open invitation. Maybe, I'll go shopping nalang. Haha

Hai. * sighs* I missed him already. I missed everything about him. How he mad me smile even on his most corniest jokes or simply on his small "kakengkoyan" But it's gone now. That's gone now and I don't know if that's gonna come back again. I don't have the guts to say I miss you. i don't know why. Maybe, I just got exhausted of things around me. kahit naman siguro sino maeexhaust. Especially when your showing off your YOU your whole and yet you don't see appreciations and in return all you'll hear is doubts about your "PAGKATAO"


sobrang hirap kase na kinquestion ung pagkatao mo. Ok lang sa ibang tao, kung ibang tao. Pero, hindi naman sya basta basta ibang tao lang eh. Mahirap kase na eto ka na nga eh, pero kahit anong gawin mo sa sarili mo WALA. Ganun pa din.. Kaya siguro ganito na din ako. Hindi na ko malambing, hindi na ko nakakapglambiong. NAKAKALIMUTAN ko na ung salitang LAMBING. nagiging bitter na ko kahit hindi ko naman gusto. Pano ko ba ipapaintindi sayo? pano ko ba ipaglalaban ung sarili ko? kung mismong ung lakas ko hindi naniniwala saken. Andun sya.. nagpapakaduwag..


I just remember the movie "Second Chance", sana ganun kadali parang pelikula.. pwede mong idirect kung anung ending.. kung anung umpisa.. parang pagsusulat ng script. Sana ganun kadali.. para hindi ganito kasakit.


"IF YOU HAD ME AT MY WORST, THEN YOU CAN HAVE ME ON MY BEST"

siguro right now.. yan nlng muna masasabi ko.Ito nalang yung way ko para maexpress lahat ng gusto kong sabihin atleast ang blog walang feedbacks. Walang "hindi ako naniniwala" andyan lang para makinig saken.
This is the only thing that's not hurting me atleast on the simplest ways.

reunion

When you're about to give up, when do you usually do to keep your self from loosing control? Me? I'd usually look on the brighter side of each individuals. And then look around the people who truly loves me as I am. I was at my lolo's house last night cause they had a little reunion.We [lolo] had a little conversation.Starts with, how are you miming [ they usually call me that, bugs me though ] then I answered with fine though I'm reall not doing fine. He told me about how he loved my late lola. My Lola used to be so bungangera and ny lolo's vice versa. She usually the selosa one but really, I witness how they loved each other. They're the ones who took care of us since. That's why I'm the favorite apo as well as my brothers :) I can see his unfamiliar smile when he saw us last night. And that's very touchy and ofcourse I had all his attention for the night. Iwas so spoiled that even though his old and weak his still the one who get food for me. But his 91 and still going farther. I know that.And hey! My titos made me sing!ugh1 that's first time. And I should'nt really let them know that I was the former vocalist of my Kuya paopao's band. Ugh1 I never do the karaoke thing before so that's first time! UGh!

I talked to my ex boyfriend at the phone and our conversation goes well. We're friends now and even though I've hated him for hurting me I've forget that.That's what my lolo used to tell me. Forgive, accept and Forget it.And he already take back whatever rumors he said. Although it's too late for that. I just can't plant angers on my heart and that's one thing I adored about myself but on the other side when times got complicated that's one thing I hate about myself. I mean, how can I just forgive, accept and forget things when it's started to ruin me? Lame huh?I complicate things and I'm not about to see the brighter side that I'm telling. I'll buy a new book today and I have no kasama,. Gerald will go with me if he doesn't hav a lakad but he has YFC things so he can't go with me.So I ask trebs if he can go with me and bang! he's in.

It's 11:16 and I'll meet him at 12 so I better go. i'll share stuffs when I get back.


I'm still not doin any better. Hope it'll be better soon.

random post

Gelo went here without me knowing cause I was asleep. That, really pissed me. I mean, yeah he's been on my room quiet times before. But that's wrong as a 16 year old yankie. I know you know what I mean. Right?

So there, My Lolo came and I still haven't seen him yet. I hope I got some pasalubong. I just remembered my childhood memories with my lolo. He's fun to be with and everytime I recieve an award from my school back then He's always the one who pu the ribbons on me or the medals. Like back when I was in kindergarten. I was the fourth honors and I lead the opening prayer for that. God, I won't forget that. I was this small and all the high schoolers was there. COOL I can say. He thought me how to deal with people around me. But I just can't handle it, I was too shy to express myself. But I realized, it's not what I fear.

What I fear is that, when I do things that will take me to the top, there might be some who'd pull me down. Just like right now. Just like what's happened right now at the point of mylife. I'm not showing off. I'm not gonna show off cause I don't wnat to be hated. But great, I'm still am. Whatever I do I'm still bein hated. Either ways I do i'm still am. Well that's pretty hard.

I already stopped playing my sport. I stopped playing my instruments. I stopped drawing. I stopped dancing even those things we're the one which I really like from the very start. I no longer have the guts to show these off. I end up saying ayoko na kase tuwing gagawin ko yung mga bagay na or kahit nga wala akong ginagawa lagi nlng ako ung may mali. nakukuha ko, kaaway. kainis lang..


You see, it's hard to compete with pressures. Most especially when you've loose everything and you've nothing to count on. Good thing I still have Gelo here, although he's a wiener Haha! kidding there. I mean it, he knows everything about me. After 10 years of being with him he knows all of my secrets that's why he's not gonna believe any of the gossip guys. That's sorry or you. :)

Anyways, I was really lazy to get up to my bed but I was surely excited to check my IM cuase he might be online and tadda! he is online. So, there I apologiez for being a wimp and for calling him a weiner.I just had a thought of continuing our band and have practice for the battle of the bands that will be held at our school. I want to show off these time cause I want to prove them right, that I'm more than just a pretty face and it's less rumors. I'll prove everyone worng for their gossips and rumors. I know I can and this time it's gonna be them who'll plead. Even though my first day's goin to be a bang for me cause i will be suspended for my irregularities in attendance. Watta freak. It's my first time in my whole life. I never got suspended or violated in my past schools but yeah, what's high school if I won't experience those. It'll be pretty boring for sure. They'll just make me praythe rosary. Lame, I know.

I hear I song, that's playing on my mind right now. the LUNOD by danita paner it's kind of local but still very warming :)

It's nice to know that at the end of the day when everyone doesn't seem to believe you as a whole, there's still someone nearby you can count on. who can decode your thoughts. And then without even doubting you, that's really comfortable and touchy. Right? Maybe he just stands up for what he said to me that we don't have the right to judge one's worth through the pressures they had. Thanks for that.


Word of the day: benta!:P

YAHOO MESSEGER

Last night at Yahoo Messenger:

G: hello
K: hello din :)
G: merry chirstmas. Ok ka na?
K: ok ako palage. same here
G: sus. pretender. 10 years na taung magkaibigan kilala kit. alam ko kung kelan ka nagsasabe ng totoo at kelan hindi.
K: sana kilala nya din ako noh?:D
G: so sya na naman pala?
K: sinabe ko ba?
G: hindi, pero pinaramdam mo.
K: tama na nga.
G: punta ko snyo bukas may aabot lng ako.
K: wag na.
G: bkit?
K: yokong makita ka. haha :D
G: woooo. if I know. Haha
K: tss. assuming ka.
G: hehe
K: tawa ka jan..
G: wala ln.. masama ba? patawa ka kc. kupal.
K: hmm
G: oh bakit?
K: wala lng. naicp ko lng. kung di ako humiwalay sau ng school mangyyare kaya to?
G: tss. fate mo yan. tanggapin mo. sinisisi mo na naman sarili mo eh. gago ka
K: so kelangan may mura?:D
G: nkakainis lng kc..
K: bt ka naiinis?
G: hndi ka naman dating ganyan..
K: anong datehng ganito?
G: dati kc hindi ka naman nagppaapekto.. dateh naman hindi ka nagppkatanga sa mga bagay na ganyan..
K: haii
G: totoo dba? asan n kc ng dateng karen? ung karen na lumalaban? ung karen na kaya lahat?
K: tao lng naman ako. npapagod din..
G: tsss.. kainis ka..
BUZZ!
K: ano?
G: dateh rate nagiging top 2 ka pa.. asan na ngaun yun?
K: ewn ko..
G: tss. gamitin mo kc.. bt ba? nagpapaapekto ka sa sinasabe ng mga tao.. kaya tumigil ka ganun? nu ba naman! nasau na laht eh!maganda ka, matalino ka namann. magaling ka magdrawing, mag guitara, magpiano, magdrums.. gumawa ng web designs.. tapos sinasayang mo? tae naman oh.
K: eh yoko na nga..
K: tangina. dahil nga jan sa mga yan kaya nagkakaron ng haters. whats the point of even using it. tapos in the end ikaw pa ung may kaaway, so kahit di ko kilala kaaway ko? OKAAAi! god damn1 sawa na ko. puro naman sila paninira!!
G: haii.,,
K: totoo dba?!!
G: cge out na ko. pagisipan mo nga yang mga sinabe mo. pasalamat ka..
G: tae kupal mo..
G: nagbago ka na nga..
K: ok..

SEEING LESS

i just woke up and Hey! it's Christmas time.I got all the presents but to let them know, I'm not happy. I appreciate it. But it's not what I need. I guess God didn't hear my prayer last night. Maybe He just don't hear what exactly I said. No material things, No luxurious stuffs only my family and my "boyfriend". Was that hard? well maybe yes cause I'm a bad person and this is how He repay me.He can't see how I changed a lot of my life since back then. He can't see how I repay others for what I've done. pagkagising ko una kong ginawa, umupo and tumunganga. Magreminisce kelan ba yung huling pasko na masaya ako? it's 5 years ago.

Last Christmas ganito din yung scene, my 2006 christmas ganito din ulit. Christmas pa nga nun nung nagbreak kame ni Carlo. It's funny how things get in to the TIMING. Laging Christmas season. HAPPY with bitterness.


Ganun ba ko kasama dateh?


My mom, told me we'll be online for Christmas eve and guess what? I didn't hear anything from her and I've waited for3 hours just to talk to her and I've got nothing but the whole waiting thing. I understand, I'm not hatting. She's got work to do so she did not make it.

Just like a line from a song I used to listen;

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you


That's where I an right now, right at this moment. Thinking what's the right thing to do. My Lola offered me a once at a shot glory. She asked me if I want to flew in the states once again. But I told her I want to think it over. My life's in here and it's hard to let go of the world that I used to be with.

Where and how would I start. I'm at a world that's so out of control. I tried not to loose hope. But my knees are getting weak to once again , hold on. Hold on to the things I'm keeping. But what will you do if the things that made you, doesn't want you anymore? doesn't hold on to anymore.

A man that's know nothing but to get confused of everything, and this everything was about to begin to make me blame myself. I knew this whole thing should be blame on me. this is my fate. A fate that's so making me bend on bended knees and dried up eyes.

I'm getting tired of everything. Since, I've been giving all for this. I put my faith, so much faith but you just threw it away. And I can feel that it's time for me to give worth to myself. and it's as well time for you to make me see how this love can go through without seeing more but SEEING LESS.

I'm not giving up. I won't but if it's you who's about to give up then, i've nothing to do anymore.and that's the HARDEST.

F A C T S

Right at this moment too much things are up on my mind. In life, how will you cope up on issues?will you let others intervene your life that it came to a point that you can't make decisions for yourself?What? are you coward enough to be in a situation like this? Then, you're not worthy enough to fight for. In my 16 years of living I've seen and been in a particular situation where I almost give up. But, I stand up, I learn and I grew up. Cause you know, you can't love someone unless you took courage of taking each steps into a higher level. It's like testing one's faith to conquer your fate. FATE HAS ALWAYS WAYS TO CORRECT ONE SELF and that's one thing I stand up for.

There are some, who tried to dictate me regarding on my decisions.Once I fail to keep my faith on myself but then i wake up. Why would I let others to make decisions or to affect my decisions? HELL NO! I'd rather suffer embarrassment than to be called COWARD. and NO, I won't live with shame just because they told me that it's like this and that. No, i won't let myself to lost my one shot in a glory. Cause REAL THINGS only came ONCE. REAL things never came up from DICTATIONS. BAKIT NAMAN AKO MAGPAPAAPEKTO SA IBANG TAO?KUNG MAY SARILING UTAK AT PUSO NAMAN AKO? I'm not a robot barbie that's why I stand up for myself. That's why I'm here having decisions for myself. I was once a WEAk butthat weakness has become my strength to LIVE, TO FIGHT and TO TAKE COURAGE.


BRAVERY. that's it.

when it rains

I just got home, I was with him a while ago because he went to shop a bit. Surely Christmas is everywhere, anywhere you look you can see group of friends and families rejoicing.I thought this whole shopping thing with him would be fun.But really, I can tell that SOMETHING has really changed. something I don't know and I can't tell. Something I want to know, Something I want to ,put end.Something I want to vanished for an instance, it bugs me.mararamdaman mo naman yun ehh.. hini naman ako manhid, para hindi mapansin yun.. an now it really affects me. Even the sky is crying for me, The rain suddenly pour.I no longer don't now what to do.I don't want to loose this relationship I have with him.But I guess, it'a not right to grieve, it' not right to plead. I gave so much for this. wala naman akong magagawa kung hindi na nya ako mahal.. isa lang magagawa ko, maghintay na sabihin nyang mahal nya ko.


I'm afraid and I fear, whatever's gonna happen next. I fear that maybe, maulit yung nangyare saken nun.. ayoko na, sobrang sakit na. He can no longer be proud of me. He can't. that's one thing I know for sure.How?
Ang hirap pala na ikaw lang ung lumalaban.. ung ikaw lng ung nagmamahal sa isang relation.. na ikaw lang yung nagbibigay ng importance.. Just to keep the relationship alive.


What will I do to keep this when I'm the only one whose giving importance to this. When I was the only one whose giving LOVE. I want to ask him DO YOU STILL LOVE ME? but I just can't. The words were stuck on my mouth that I can't verbalize. Cause the fact here is I'm afraid, His answer will be NO. I want to know but HOW? pano ko malalaman? pano ko mararamdaman? ng hindi ako nasasaktan?

PLEASE. LET ME KNOW. I don't want to get hurt. sobrang sakit na nga nung mga narinig ko tapos masasaktan ulit ako? hindi ko na kakayanin.. hindi ko makakaya na with just one snap of a finger MAWAWALA lahat.


I just want to know the truth. PLEASE.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

It's Christmas time and everyone seems to be so busy. It's past 10 and I'm sort of free so I decided to blog. My dad's not calling me still, so as my mom. Maybe they're just too busy doing stuffs and I understand that since i am used of that. What else can I share? Err. Last night I watch the film "ANAK" it was the first time I took time looking for an old VCD of local films. Cause you know I'm not that fond of local films cause I spend 3 years of my life in the state so I'm used of foreign movies. I'd thought of my mom, who happened to be a skill worker at Wales, London. She's working too hard. Too hard but still I don't make sense of her living and that's my realizations and I decided to make thingd right for me. I know, it's been a tough year. And before this year ends I want to keep everything at least on the right track.


So that's it. It's Christmas time and it's one of my not so favourite time of year since I always happen to celebrate it alone. Gifts are everywhere and it's waiting to be unwrapped. The carollers are even "makulit" and all are exchanging thoughts of love and happiness. Surely Christmas is time for rejoicing since it's the time He was born. There's one thing I'm happy about, if I mentioned about reconciling with my "EX BESTFRIEND", yes. I reconcile with them since I know it's the right thing to do. Sometimes, we just have to eat our pride and it's never really wrong to be the one who say sorry. We never know, we might lost chances and bring those to death.



It's been a foggy morning and loads of stuffs mught happen for this busy day. We'll be eating our noche bueana and one thing's I want. SANA NAMAN MAGING OK :)) HAHA *laughs






-- happy holodays :)

my facade

I actually don't know how to start this post. I usually start my blog with an event. But I'll use this to explain myself since this is a private blog anyway. Too much things has happened to me and I can't refuse to spill it out cause if I don't? I might loose chance and then regret it.

To start:
WHO'S KAREN BEFORE?
Nung junior ako, lage akong wala sa bahay. I always spend money going to the places I wished to go. I spend all my money just to buy all the things that I want. Dateh, pag naisip kong magtrip. I don't care kahit may masagasaan ako. Bakit? kase hindi ko naman gagawin un SAYO kung di mo ginawa saken eh. I learned how to greed and pushed people down and make them beg and say sorry. Kung kilala mo ko, alam mo na marunong akong magpatawad at hindi ako nagbibilang ng kasalanan saken. I always FORGIVE AND FORGET. Minsan lang ako lalaban sayo, but when that SOMETIMES came, I'll make sure you'll get into my nerves and show you your downfall. Karen before, sobrang impulsive kea minsan napapahamak. Once nga, napagtripan na ko ng isang group. Dahil lang sa nanligaw saken ung ex nung kamember nila. DARN! ano bang kasalanan ko dun?. Wala kong care kung may group ka. Isali mo ko dyan? Well don't bother! cause I won't waste my time joining such groups and fraternity.

Karen before, laging absent. Laging late, pero I know where I go. So don't tell me where am i supposed to be, don't made up just to bring me down. Kc pag di mo ko napabagsak. YOU'LL SEE.

Freshman pa lang ako, lapitin na ko ng away, minsan nga matignan ko lng. Mamaya maya kaaway na tingin sakin. Bakit ba? masama bang tumingin. That's your problem. I wont get insecure of you. Bakit? porket kilala ako kagad sa school kahit freshman pa lang ako. Gagawan mo ko ng issue? NO way! i won't bother. YOU CAN ALWAYS SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. YOU CAN MAKE THEM BELIEVE YOU. BUT ONE THING'S FOR SURE, I KNOW I DON'T DO THIS AND THAT, SO DON'T EXPECT ME TO ADMIT THINGS I NEVER DID. I won't give a damn. Kase pag alam kong mali ako, I know how to say sorry.

One thing I am proud to say about myself is. I am spoiled BUT I never DRINK and never GOT DRUNK. that's one thing you can't put on me. You can stain on my name, pero whatever you do to yourself GOD knows who's telling the truth.

You can hear the most discouraging thing about me. PERO KUNG KILALA MO AKO. YOU WON'T BELIEVE ANY GOSSIPS. YOU WON'T GIVE A DAMN ON THEM. YOU'LL JUST MOVE FORWARD AND BE THERE WITH ME.

YES, I've got 2 boyfriends straight. Both doesn't last as we tell ourselves. But, I NEVER GAVE MYSELF TO ANYONE. WHICH I KNOW, THEY JUST DON"T DESERVED IT.TO THEM, WHOM I CAN'T TRUST?. I won't play clean. yes, I kissed them but that's it. I will never ever do something that will burry my dignity. MAY MARIRINIG KAU SAKANILA. PERO ANO BANG ALAM NILA SA NGYARE?WALA DIBA? so DON'T GIVE A DAMN.




YOU CAN TRUST YOUR EYES, BUT NOT YOUR EARS. MAKES SENSE ON THAT.

it's me. who truly know myself. HIndi sya, hindi sila. AKO LANG..

Gagawa ako ng masama, pero gagawin ko un para sa iba. I won't benefit on that deed. It's them. I'll let them use me. MAKUNTENTO KA LANG.

they can always set me up on things that can stain me. Like putting an iPOD on my stuffs and then papalabasin na ako ung may gawa. WHAT A CLICHE. WHAT A WASTE. yan lang ba kaya nyong gawin para mapabagsak ako? WELL sorry ka! I WONT ADMIT ANYTHING UNLESS I REALLY DID IT.

I am pranct. Minsan sobra, pero kahit alam kong sobra hindi ko titigilan. Para lang matauhan ka sa ginagawa mo.

MABAIT AKO. HINDI AKO LUMALABAN KAHIT TAPAKAN NA AKO. pero si karen.. pag napuno.. ASAHAN MO ang HELL. Minsan lang ako LALABAN. pero hindi mo ko mapapaamin sa BAGAY NA HINDI KO GINAWA at GAGAWIN.

Kahit harap harapan mo pa kong tapakan. OK lang sakin. Hindi kita lalabanan. I'll just live and let GOD do the will. If your insecure just because lots of GUYS and people notice me. Why don't you make your own scene para mapansin ka? hindi naman ako nagpapapansin eh. I show them How natural I am. That's why. pero kung gagamitin mo ko para MAKAGAWA ng scene mo. NO WAY! I wont allow you to used my name. Wag kang papansin, MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE.GET A LIFE.

THAT's KAREN. NO MORE. NO LESS.
Tatanggapin naman kita eh kahit sino ka man. Hindi ako namimili ng kakaibiganin. wag lng ung FRIENDS who's gonna put you down secretly? is that what a friend means for you? I don't care about the fame I have. What's fame if you don't have real friends? what's fame if that fame will tear you? NO! i don't care about fame if that's fame that will tear me. Sayo na yan. Di ko naman kailangan yan para mabuhay eh. ONE SIMPLE THING I WANT IN MY LIFE. REAL THINGS. REAL COMPANY. and STOP BIOTHERING AND STAINING ME. I'll forgive you kakalimutn ko ung kaslanan mo, pero wag mong i-take advantage yung chance na bingay ko sayo para maging GOOD FRIENDS tayo. Tiy can always have the fame that your longing but friend like me? I DON'T THINK SO.

I just want to live my simple life with simple dreams. WAKE UP.


** whatever's written here is my facade. You want to comment? your free to comment on the comment box. Kung ayaw mong paniwalaan then it's up to you, I respect your decision of not believing this. Just respect this as well. I WONT PLEASE you. I DON'T JUDGE ONE'S WORTH THROUGH THEIR CHARACTER. I DON'T REJECT. I RESPECT,,



-- KAREN

confessions part I

Part 1: gerald
He was just my classmate, I thought. But I guess I was wrong for that. he was once the reason for my breathing. We, my former classmates when I was sophomore had a farewell overnight party. Actually I was one of the head planner for that party thing. And, there I am. Innocently, doesn't have any idea of what's gonna happen. I was there for a farewell, but one thing that turns my life into something extra. I was there also, because I was gonna said goodbye to them kasi I'll transfer school.But suddenly with just one snap of a finger, may malaking CHANGE na ngyare. It started with " ui ligo ka na, ay swimming pala hehe.. " and then I replied with " tse.. baho mo .. " Haha. And as the night continued. I've noticed that he was acting up so weird. He's becoming protective and I over heard them( the boys that's talking.. " mark says " ui akin si Gazel ahh. " and Potchie says'Basta akin si Karen.. " but a voice came out " sorry she's taken.. kakausapin ko na sya" ) I was really shocked when I heard that. So, parang lahat nung nkakaalam nung conversation na un SHOCKED.. kase GERALD-KAREN? WHOA! parang dateh lang kase nagaasaran kame ng galisin and we fight a lot. And then, after we all had our self fixed from swimming. We had a little TRUTH or DARE game. He was there sitting right next to me as I pretend as if I don't have any idea about him. The kilig part was the part that he was combing my hair.Of course I must admit I was really kilig and badly flattered that time cause He was one of the cutie in our class, and I never thought of making him fall for me. Which I regret right now.The day after the farewell party, he text me. And we we're ralking about our lives.The conversation cross paths when he ask me if I had a boyfriend and I answered with No. I was about to change our topic when suddenly he was acting so weird again. Parang nagpaparamdam. He said he was liking one girl, then I ask who's the girl and shockingly confirmed. It was me.. ang pagkakasabe pa nga nya" tae manhid ka ba??.. ikaw yun.. " at first I was not believing him though a smile in my heart was at deepest.And then He asked me if he can court me, I wasn't really gonna make him do the courting for me coz I was a little afraid I can't manage him. But there I was, I relapsed again. Ang pinaka ayoko sa sarili ko. Within a month or two we're together. But that doesn't last for so long. The promises of forever was lost. We broke up afte 2 months of being happy. But, angpinaka masakit. The reason of our break up was, HE FALL OUT OF LOVE.Nalaman ko pang 3 days before our break up nakipagusap sya dun sa ex nya saying he wants her back. Sobrang sakit kase weeks before we decided to part ways, he was so cold to me. He didn't even talked or text me. I was so depressed, my dad's here pa nga that time. So, I can't cry kase he'll ask me for reasons. And guess what? that's not the hardest part that I can't deal with until now. Sinaktan na nga ako eh, he still stabb me at my back coz he was saying to his friends that something happened to us. Not literally sex but the finger thing. I was really humiliated and I don't know if I can stand right that time. Cos that time, that we broke up and the gossip he made out spreads was also the time that I was really in need of comfort. My mom, flew for the 3rd time and I wasn't really close to my sibblings so I don't have anyone to talked to. I was crying my heart in y room. Self pitty asking myself. Why?Why me?.. wala naman kasi akong ibang ginawa kundi maging mabuting girlfriend but still, ito pa ung nakuha ko from that. I mean, ok na eh.. I can get over it. Pero bakit kailangan pang mau lalabas na ganun na hindi naman talaga nangyare. That's the hardest. I am strong, I can pretend to be strong even if I'm not. But he's got my weakness. cause when it comes to that thing, I fall so easily. Hindi ko lang talaga kauang mag manage ng mga issues especially when I knew that it's not true but still, nobody believes you. Mahirap naman talaga eh. It's hard to compete with the issues when you're weak and nobody bother to help you. Why and whay's he's purpose for doing that? Para matawag syang REAL MAN? then Fu*ck out! He's not a real man. Ciz ge's nothing but a fake man who ha a cute face but not a real heart. That's why I'm regretingeverything. Hindi pa ko lumipat ng school just ti be with him. Kahit nagkaron pa kamo ng samaan ng lood ng bestfriend ko dateh kase hindi ako lumipat just for him?! He, who never really see my worth then at the end I'm still the FLIRT, and all that. I don't believe I deserve this. ALL I WANT IS RESPECT kahit wag na nya kong mahalin. I DON'T NEED HIM ANYWAY. my heart was filled with hatreds all the love inside was burried out.

THE GUY I FELL FOR:

Depressive state

It's cold and early, it's nice that I never woke up so late anymore. Like waking up at 3pm. I don't know but certainly my eyes and then my mind tells me to get up and fix my self.But darn, he's still my first thought this morning. Sometimes it's like a routine, that I must do all over and over. I was getting tempted again, temptations to sms him and tell him how much I feel for him. I'm still badly broken about what's happened yesterday. I don't know what to think. My dilemna's getting deeper as it grows.

What will you do if you discover that the person you're about to give your whole life through tells you that he don't know if he CAN love you and he DOES love you?pretty hard right?You'll came to a point that you tells yourself "tama na, ayoko na.Kasi sobrang saket... " but you know to yourself that you just can't. He doesn't even have the slightest idea of how much it does hurt me. I saw him crying but I don't know if that's for real. I don't know what does it mean, does he cry because he made a mistake for taking me?does he cried because of his love for me that he can't fight for?What can I say? COWARD yes, it's hard to deal with. But it is what it is and there's nothing I can do for it. He's small love for me, that I can't change. It's his heart that tells it, even if I want to grow it big.It's only him that can grow his love. And the only role that I have is to stand up when I got down, and to WAIT for him until he gets back.


hindi ko matanggap. I came to a point that I become bitter, I'm flamming, I'm hating. Can I make it? can I make them stop saying bad things about me that's isn't real?!cause it knocks me off and it tears me down. Will that make them happy? to see me down?! Then congratiulations! cause they won the game. I won't fight, cause i'm at my edge and i'm tired of protecting myself and for fighting for myself. HAPPY NOW?

It's hard! it's hard to compete. When I'm about to tell the truth they just did the whole same thing, the same thing they did.The thing they do just to tear me. I'm tired of this.

I know it is my fault. Is this her revenge to me for I did pissed her way back then?PLEASE STOP. just please.

imperfections

It's been a while since I last blog and many thoughts are needed to be decoded. I was furious in the fast few days. I have had this guy that I know I'll give my all, I loved him so fast that I didn't realize I have nothing left for myself.

Well that's me. Karen, who's been seeking for the right guy. Not probably the perfect guy but at least a guy who tried to be somehow perfect to keep the relationship alive.It's been a loaded month's that has passed.Still I can't and Still I don't know where to start to finished things that has to be finished.I became too irresponsible that I can't control myself from failing. I know, failing is common but this failure of mine was too hard and too far from heavy.One lesson I learn, that telling the truth isn't always good and telling a lie isn't always bad.sometimes we tell lies to keep ourselves alive. I always knew that some day it'll be fine and someday things well fell up on the right place. Maybe not now or not as fast as we wished it'll happen but someday, maybe in God's will.

Too many problems has surpassed me. Too heavy for me to carry. Too much pain has caused me.I just don't understand why, why PEOPLE you barely even KNOW would waste time just to make you fall on your deepest fall. I know, this was ordinary. DRAMA;LIES;BACKSTUBBING yeah that's teenage life. It's always nice to know that some will take time discouraging you, cause you know your the BEST if people you don't know HATES YOU. But it's quiet annoying that they just burst your bubble and then came out of nowhere and then BOOM! your busted! I find it hard to accept, the fact that HE, whom I know I can go through pains are the one who's on the first line to disbelieve you. You know I can carry all the issues out, but NO! if i knew that He's the one who doesn't believes you and then just let you drown into deepest. Just so you know what's happened to me. Just so you know how I tried to clear things up. Just so you know how much I longed to be hear.

I'll accept whatever they say about me,either it's negative or positive. Cause I know that God's watching them and me. I may occur imperfections in my past, It's my longing of revenge that caused me so much pain. But still I stood up, and walk with chin's up. Cause I know, this is my imperfections. It it's not reasonable to judge one's worth just because of those. It's not reasonable to grieve.. I'll carry this on my own. If love can find a way., love will always will be there.


We should always try to remember that, we should have acceptance and forgiveness even to those who've sins to us. I won't Spell on that gurl who've messed up on me. It's her, she. who can always say whatever she wanted to. But one thing's for sure I know that's true, I never joined any groups or sorority. I gave myself to only one guy I always tried to keep. And I never flirted when I wished to flirt. Love me or hate me. neither ways I forgive you.

One darn thing about me, is that no matter how painful it is no matter how deep's the pain he caused me. I'm still in to him. I still can't resist what my heart tells me, I still can't get it over. I still eat my pride for him. Wherever I go, Whatever he's done to me. I'm still in love with him. If he only read this, I hope it'll clear things up to him. I'm hoping for the sun, I'm still hoping he'll pick me up. I can no longer endure pains. I became so weak that I even gave all my hopes to nothing.

All I ask is Settlements and be there for me, when I'm on deepest. And then Love me truthfully, love me for that's what you feel for me, not for what you tell me. I wasn't asking for the world. All I ask is LOVE that never ask, love that never see's imperfections as insults. I know, you can never be proud of me. I know it's tpp far for reality. But that's all I wished For Christmas













P.S "Take chances
-- Karen